Clueless Lucas
by tiramisuspice
Summary: In which Maya is acting weirdly. And Lucas is hella clueless.


**Just a quick, stupid little one-shot I had to write because I didn't want to study for finals… Written in ten to fifteen minutes!  
**

**Rated K+ for Ketchup (because it's nasty).**

**A/N: See if you can understand and identify all of the "puns" and references ;) You get a cookie if you can!**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: GMW isn't mine, though messing with the characters is terribly amusing.**

* * *

"She told me to buy hamburger buns for dinner tonight, so I did. Farkle, I don't get it." Lucas said, folding his arms and resting them on the counter of the bar. "She's been acting offbeat for the past couple of weeks."

"This is _Maya_ you're talking about. Define offbeat."

"I don't know." Lucas responded in exasperation, "It's not even that she's being weird or anything. It's just that I don't understand what she's doing."

"What has she been doing?" Farkle asked, taking a sip of his scotch.

"She wants ziti every other night or so. I'm not sure why."

Farkle frowned, "I don't get it. How is that weird?"

"Well, it's just that the same ingredients have to be used every time. Same pasta brand, same sauce brand, same cheese brand._ Every_ time. And she _always_ wants it baked in the oven."

"So she enjoys baked ziti."

"Except that she doesn't eat a bite of it." Lucas replied, frowning, "When I tell you our fridge is full of baked ziti, that is an _understatement_. I don't think I can stomach anymore of it."

"Do you ask her why she's doing it?"

"Every day." Lucas groaned, finishing off his drink and setting the glass on the counter, "And every day she gives me the same cryptic response: If you knew why, you wouldn't be asking. Which is frustrating because that's exactly why I'm asking in the first place!"

Farkle snickered, "Sounds like Maya alright."

"We drove out of town this past week, and she insisted we take a different route so she could see the road signs."

"What? The road signs?"

Lucas nodded, rubbing his face tiredly, "And then every day, she plants something new. She started up a whole garden on our complex's rooftop."

"What does she plant?"

"Nothing significant in particular. Just a bunch of seeds. Yesterday it was tomatoes. The day before, pumpkins. I think one time it was eggplant. There doesn't seem to be any correlation. I think she's just growing random stuff."

"Have you asked Riley if she knows anything about Maya?"

"Riley keeps answering in that same annoying cryptic way too." Lucas sighed and loosened his tie, leaning backwards a little in his stool, "I just don't understand what's going on with her."

"Well, what else does Maya do?"

"She bought a watermelon yesterday. When I cut it up, she told me she only wanted to swallow the seeds."

"Then what was the point?"

"My thoughts exactly. I'm also pretty sure, a while ago, she told me she hated watermelon because she hated the seeds." Lucas frowned, "She bought one last week too. Although it was smaller."

"Okay… that is arguably weird."

"That's not even the half of it. Three times this week, Maya gave me a grocery list to pick up some stuff from the grocery store." Lucas ran his hand through his hair in frustration, "Nothing but carrots, milk, peas, pudding, and ribs on the lists. She doesn't even like pudding or carrots."

Farkle frowned, scratching his head in confusion, "Okay I can see why you're weirded out by this…"

"On Monday, Maya left an egg on the counter." Lucas continued, "And when I put it back in the fridge, she put a jellybean where the egg had been."

"Maybe she was drunk?"

"I don't think so. She hasn't really been drinking recently. She told me drinking isn't good for her at the moment, so she's been avoiding alcohol."

Farkle paused mid sip and frowned. Then, a small smile growing on his face, he slowly set his drink down. "Maya's _not_ drinking? Not even white wine or Moscato or anything like that?"

"Not a sip."

"Oh Maya…" Farkle chuckled, shaking his head in mirth, "Maya, Maya, Maya. You clever cat, you…"

"What?" Lucas turned to him, "Do you know what's going on with her?"

"Do you still have the grocery list with you?" Farkle asked, ignoring the question, "Read it off exactly as she wrote it."

Lucas removed it from his wallet in confusion, but began to read it off, "_Hey Sundance, we're running out of food so I need you to go pick up some stuff for me. Baby carrots, baby peas, milk, pudding, and baby back ribs, please."_

Farkle nodded sagely, the tiny smile still on his face. "I see. You said she wanted to see the road signs when you guys went for a drive?"

"Yeah."

"What signs?"

"Well…" he frowned, thinking back to that day, "There had only been one. You know the Bump Ahead sign on the street to the Svorski's Bakery? When I mentioned that was the only one there, she just nodded."

"And what are the brands of the ingredients for the ziti that she says you have to use?"

"It's like, Ronzoni's ziti pasta, Prego Roasted Garlic and Herb pasta sauce, and Sargento mozzarella, or something like that."

Farkle snorted and rolled his eyes, "She's not even being subtle…"

"What do you mean?"

"Lucas, Lucas, Lucas. Clueless Lucas." Farkle shook his head, chuckling softly at Lucas' offended glare, "Well… First off, congratulations."

"For what?"

"Your swim team triumphed."

Lucas frowned and stared at Farkle, wondering if he was also affected by the same plague that was making Maya act so strangely.

"Is that an Olympic reference or something?"

"You'll figure it out soon enough." Farkle said, the same cryptic tone overlapping his words now as well, "Anyway, when you get home, check your oven. I'm sure you'll find an interesting surprise there."

"So you know what's up with Maya." Lucas said, sighing. "But you won't tell me either."

"Not my place to tell."

"Should I be wary? Is it something dangerous?"

"Quite the opposite." Farkle said with a wide grin, picking up his jacket and sliding a couple bills across the bar counter. "Don't worry Lucas. You'll know soon enough anyway. Even if not now, _definitely_ later. Good luck."

With those words, Farkle left. Sighing, Lucas paid his own tab and stood up to leave and head back to their apartment. He hoped he'd be able to figure out what was up with Maya soon. It was leaving him terribly confused. Maybe he'd be able to coax it out of her that night. But for now, he'd check the oven as Farkle had suggested and hope for some clarity.

What kind of secret could possibly be going on with Maya for her to be acting so strangely?


End file.
